Six months ago, I finished writing my memoir ” A Place Where Everything Is.” I submitted the manuscript to an interested agent in NY and am in the process of waiting for an answer. Strangely enough, after maintaining a steady writing practice of at least twice a week for 3-4 hours a sitting, I have not written since I sent that manuscript off. I am not sure why. Perhaps I needed a little break. Perhaps I am tired of my story. Perhaps I am still processing the things that the writing process has brought up. Perhaps I just need a rest.
For as long as I can remember, I have been running and doing. Immediately after high school, I studied for 7 years in a row in University to obtain the degrees I needed to pursue my career. I started working right out of school, and shortly afterwards had my first child. Since then, it has been a series of bold career moves, continued studies in yoga and yoga therapy, balanced with single parenting 2 boys and running my own physical therapy business and yoga studio. Fast forward 20 years or so, after moving to Israel, I still find myself struggling to find balance. The balance of being busy vs. letting go. Doing vs. Being. The eternal tightrope we walk that is the essence of Yoga.
This year I will be turning 50. Somehow, along with a drop in my estrogen level that is palpable, I find myself unable to move ahead at the same staggering pace that has been my method until now. It is like my body and mind has had enough and I feel every cell in my body screaming with a resounding “No!” “Enough!” And then, there is this small voice that says, ” You are not being productive.” “You are wasting your time!” “You don’t have any purpose if you are not helping others.”
I feel the guilt of The Producer – one of the personality types that we learn about in my Hakomi psychotherapy studies. The Producer is someone who takes refuge in action and works tirelessly, not letting anything get in the way of their goal. This can lead to many successful projects and endeavors, which is a good thing, often admired by the outside world. But there is a price that people who have this tendency pay. There is the exhaustion and collapse from doing to much, giving too much. There are the breakdowns and the feeling of being alone, forging your own path. There is the inability to trust others, feeling that you are the only one who can get the job done. There is the emptiness that follows the accomplishment of a large project, because now what is there to do? And there is the depression that comes along with the emptiness.
Is any of this familiar? Are there any other “Producers” out there reading this?
In the coming blog posts, I will write more about the Producer and other personality types and we will explore what the core beliefs are that lead to this personality type. In the meantime, I will be talking more about these personalities and the effect of these behaviors on our physical structure in my upcoming Webinar “From Beliefs to Bodies” on April 11, 2021. For information or to register, visit https://happybackyoga.com.
I hope to share more of this mind-body integration and exploration with you as I reactivate this blog.